Arrrrr! Count ’em, mates, that’s yer five “r” arr, and this is none other than Planksy, yer favorite pirate turkey sailin’ in on water galore in this lake, err, state called Oklahoma. Me rum barrel is ready rain or shine this beauty of a Fourth of July, lads and lasses. Me grog cup awaits a fillin’. Fiddles? Hornpipes? Check. Matey. Arrr. Yer know what happens next. No, no, matey, not an earthquake or a flash flood. Aye, it’s time to give out this year’s sparklers and sharklers. If yer done good, yer get yer flashy sparklers aboard ship with a sip or seventeen out of me special Planksy Reserve rum barrel. If yer done bad, then yer a landlubbery bilge rat, awarded the sharklers right after yer take a short walk off me ship’s plank.
Sparklers: Me first sparklers go to the five honorary pirate turkeys on the U.S. Supreme Court for yer beaut of a decision to legalize same-sex marriage. Ahoy, Mr. Kennedy, methinks yer swung smartly I do. This bird supports equality for all as do me feathery mates aboard me ship, barnacle free and ready steady. Aye, it’s been a long sail but we’re full speed ahead now, lads and lasses.
Sharklers: Arrr. Me first sharklers go to Gov. Mary Fallin for dancing a jig for a landlubbery bill supposedly protecting religious liberty. This law says yer state ministers don’t HAVE to marry same-sex couples, but that’s already the case. Aye, think about it. No one has to marry anyone they don’t want to. Avast, she says it’s about religious liberty, but it’s really a pouty law, mates. Boo hoo.
Sparklers: Me second set of sparklers this holiday goes to THE RULE OF LAW, ahoy, together with seven members of the Oklahoma Supreme Court, rascally rapscallions unsheathed. Arrr! The Okie constitution is clear, me mates, Article 2, Section 5. Read it with a bird’s eye view like meself. Aye, the Ten Commandments monument at the Capitol, well, thou shalt be removed.
Sharklers: Arrr. Sharklers to Attorney General Scott Pruitt for his swarmy ruckus over the monument decision. The landlubber gets it wrong, not the seven Okie Supremes. Aye, the rule of law, Mister Pruitt, the rule of law, not religious ideology. Sharklers for yer this holiday. Yer couldn’t sail a toy boat in a bathtub full of Epsom salt.
Sparklers: Arrr. He arrives each holiday with his special gifts as his sweet gobbler sways in the prairie breeze. He sails in with his feathery mates bringin’ joy a barrel of rum, fiddles, hornpipes and jigs. Sparklers to none other than meself, Planksy, the pirate turkey. Hey, gotta catch this flash flood outa here. See you soon, mates. Arrr.