U.S. Rep. Ernest Istook, who is running for governor here, conceded today he just recently discovered he is campaigning for the state’s highest position in Oklahoma, not Utah.
In a speech at the Bible Belt Snake Handlers Association’s annual convention, Istook admitted “it is true, my fellow rattler lovers, I initially believed I was running for governor in Utah, but, come on, the two states look a lot a like on the map, and we all love ol’ George Bush in both states, so does it really matter? I think not, snakies.”
After his speech, Istook told reporters, “this whole ‘state’ business is just a political ploy cooked up by fringe leftists. I tell you, this fringe left, they can talk state this state that, but, really, Utah and Oklahoma are one in the same. That’s why as a United States of America Representative, I, along with my good friend Jack Abramoff, pushed for programs that would help Utah. This, in turn, helped the Oklahoma economy because they are the same. Get it? Let us pray now.
“Dear God, I pray for a hedge of thorns around Utahoma to protect decent Americans from the pagan left-wing’s 40-hour work week and their evil Social Security for senior citizens.”
When told by a reporter the two states do not actually resemble each other at all on the map given that Oklahoma has a panhandle and Utah is more evenly squared, Istook lashed out in righteous anger, “The pan is the actual state. The panhandle is just that, a handle. You can’t cook on a handle. You can’t live in a handle. It’s that simple.”