Democratic viewpoints on politics, policy and activism

New Oklahoma Group Helps With Relocation Costs

( – promoted by DocHoc)

A new state organization, Leaving Oklahoma, has been formed in response to U.S. Rep. Ernest Istook’s run for governor here.

Leaving Oklahoma will raise money to help state residents relocate to another state if Istook is elected.

“We’re out of here if Iskook is elected governor,” said Leaving Oklahoma chairperson Lon Herschnickle.  “Can you imagine what that religious nutcase will do to this place if elected.  Oklahoma will become the first real theocratic state in the country.  We will not live in a theocracy.”

An internal survey showed favorite relocation destinations for group members include Austin, New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, and parts of Canada.  The group also hopes to play on the right-wing’s “love it or leave it” philosophy and raise money from conservatives as well as progressives.

“Here’s a chance for conservatives to put one of their grand clichés in action,” said Herschnickle.  “We will ‘leave it’ in a second.  We just need the cash for a couple months rent and groceries.  And then it’s goodbye, Ernie. Take this state and shove it.  We ain’t living here no more.”

Istook Would Smite Education Supporters

( – promoted by misteronionhead)

Ernest Istook, running for governor here, announced today that if elected he would “smite” anyone who supports public education in the state because God talked to him personally about it.

“If elected governor of Utahoma, I shall smite those who support public educational systems.  My God-given wrath shall leave no education supporter untouched, and so it shall come to pass that no Oklahoma child will have to go to these dens of iniquity, these public schools of hellfire and evil.”

Istook said God talked to him personally about the issue.

“Shall tax dollars go to teach children in Utahoma to read?  I think not, sayeth God through me, his vessel on the river of life.  Yes, God visited me in the form of a talking fish, a catfish named McGarrett Five-O.  This catfish spoke The Word in tongues.  This catfish-God sayeth to me: ‘You shall smite at will those who support public education.’  So the cat speaks, so it shall be.”

Istook declined to answer questions from the media about his announcement.

Istook Thought Governor’s Race Was In Utah

( – promoted by DocHoc)

U.S. Rep. Ernest Istook, who is running for governor here, conceded today he just recently discovered he is campaigning for the state’s highest position in Oklahoma, not Utah.

In a speech at the Bible Belt Snake Handlers Association’s annual convention, Istook admitted “it is true, my fellow rattler lovers, I initially believed I was running for governor in Utah, but, come on, the two states look a lot a like on the map, and we all love ol’ George Bush in both states, so does it really matter?  I think not, snakies.”

After his speech, Istook told reporters, “this whole ‘state’ business is just a political ploy cooked up by fringe leftists.  I tell you, this fringe left, they can talk state this state that, but, really, Utah and Oklahoma are one in the same.  That’s why as a United States of America Representative, I, along with my good friend Jack Abramoff, pushed for programs that would help Utah.  This, in turn, helped the Oklahoma economy because they are the same.  Get it?  Let us pray now.

“Dear God, I pray for a hedge of thorns around Utahoma to protect decent Americans from the pagan left-wing’s 40-hour work week and their evil Social Security for senior citizens.”

When told by a reporter the two states do not actually resemble each other at all on the map given that Oklahoma has a panhandle and Utah is more evenly squared, Istook lashed out in righteous anger, “The pan is the actual state.  The panhandle is just that, a handle.  You can’t cook on a handle.  You can’t live in a handle. It’s that simple.”